Every commercial he talks about having sundays free sounds sadder every single time I hear it. The Onion said it best when they had Peyton come out as “gay for football”. He’s either gonna get a head coaching gig or start on hard drugs in the next couple of years. Potential for ballooning to Scott Mitchell size is…

As I’ve posted many times before also: over and above the general protection that they provide, the other thing that pads do is slow players down. You know how to make collisions less violent? Slow players down; it being the squared term in 1/2mv^2 and all. There’s a reason that the size of shoulder pads has decreased…

Especially fancy dogs...

“grind them to make button oil...”

Motherfucker, the whole reason I HAVE a phone is so I don’t have to talk out loud.

Counterpoint: A Patriots championship is the exactly the kind of safe nihilism that we need to come down from the near-miss of a Trump presidency.

Mrs. RPM, who only barely follows football but watched the Super Bowl attentively enough to remember being annoyed by Pey-pey’s Budweiser shilling, turned to me during one of his numerous commercials in week 1 and asked me with a straight face if he retired from playing so he’d have more time to make commercials. I…

I feel like the Schilling memes are just getting better each week.

That’s a real sliding doors moment: If I hadn’t clogged her family’s guest toilet would she have still married me?

While in the same week Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder refused to answer questions about the water scandal in Flint, yet was given a free pass by the entire newsmedia. Our priorities as a nation are completely fucked.

“There WILL be a Bills fan in blackface and a Kap jersey getting powerbombed through a table in effigy three hours prior to kickoff.”

Of course not. Everything has to be “What is Peyton’s life like after retirement. I think it might go a LITTLE like this...”

The second he announced his retirement I knew we were all doomed to his Charlie Brown head talking about life after football, likely for years.

“Someone needs to unearth a tape of Tom Brady bragging about shooting stray dogs or something.”

Yeahno. When you’ve got an away game, you’ve got to be liberal with the mercy flush. Two or three times if needed. I’d much rather somebody hear the bowl flush than have to hunt down a plunger. I guess the flip side in this case is, “What if you had mercy flushed?” Would you be married today?

They might have better ratings for Thursday night games if they didn’t all suck big fat donky dicks...

With readily available overhead room, some crazy asshole will choose to turn his lap into a cargo bin. Why would you do that?

I’ve written my share of Cam Newton takes, but his Super Bowl loss was bad for the league because it reinforced the notion that players who stand out are prima donnas who deserve a karmic boot back into anonymity.

I know I’ve said this before, but I love how every reference to Goodell taking a firm stance involves him forbidding anyone to eat pizza.

Everyone has theories on why NFL ratings have fallen down a laundry chute, from the election to anthem protests to concussions to game stoppages to a potential growing distaste for football in general.