I’m 34 and not a movie critic. These are my top five movies. Roast me:

Tombstone is way too goddam low. That’s like top 7-8.

I mean...you had one of the top two best basketball players of all time, who won you a championship in legendary and spectacular fashion over an absolute juggernaut, but ok

“Noah”?

That usually works for me in court

Have you ever weighed the potential costs and benefits of committing a serious crime, including whether you could support yours while you were inside? It’s a business decision and a bit “deeper” than you think, bud.

I know nothing about that incident nor was I there. If you have any further questions please contact my attorney.

If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime 

It was me. I took the Watson laptop and the jewelry. I will return it for no less than 10 chick Fil a sandwiches and a fifth of really nice whisky, like Jim beam black. 

this is bonkers

They let me wear whatever helmet I want to at work as long as I keep my door closed. There must be some similar ground here.

Yep, with this guy in charge, they’re toast.

I did not get lucky.

He was in over his head 

I’ve been in several fistfights in my life. I’ve only ever had my ass handed to me this badly (and frankly way worse, hospital worse) than this. One of the three guys took one of my shoes. That was the worst part about it. Beat me to a pulp, but you are a bitch if you take my shoe.

I think this level of insight and frankly pain (beautifully articulated pain) is reserved only for your team, but if it was possible to reproduce it for all teams, I’m on board.

He looks like what would happen if your barber found out that you slept with his wife

Ok Matt may have the best submission I’ve ever seen.

Salty

Frederick in accounting is annoying. We’ll see.