I have taken to ending conversations with my wife with “I have spoken.”

I’m so glad I have 11 months to get my disco Janet costume together for this year. I predict at least nine of them will be spent talking my sister into sewing it for me.

“Well, she was a lot.”

No matter how weird and bad Elizabeth Holmes is, she certainly doesn’t deserve to be counted amongst the PewDiePies of the world.

Proof that the Bad Place has tainted her, yes.

It’s a shame she never got over that speech impediment.

I want him on every show. He’s a forking genius.

Just because...

This was my favorite line of the night.
And it was enhanced by the British pronunciation “Con-Dome”. 

*Everybody* knows it’s Alka Seltzer.  Only dirtbags know it’s also condoms.

That was less of a crisis and more of an opportunity. 

I’m glad Shawn has cemented, once and for all, that PewDiePie is a piece of shit.

I’ve been saying zen-DYE-uh like a chump

Thought this was pretty disappointing. I almost lost interest a few times while watching, particularly during the Kuiili (Nick Nolte) scenes, which were an utter snooze. At a scant 40 minutes, boy does this thing plod in spots.

That level of hot sexiness does not belong in Paddy’s Bar.  

He’s they guy that tries to rob Bruce Willis with a photo on his head that looks like the hallway he’s in.

Bowen Yang is so so good. He’s so effortless in making his characters pop, it’s like he was born for sketch comedy.

More trans Michael: literally taking down a photo of the old you and talking about how much it hurts to look at it, and being afraid of the people you knew “before” still seeing you the same old way.

You know how people have been saying “If Tom Hanks turns out to be a bad person...”. Forget that. If Rudd turns out to be a terrible person, that’s gonna be the end, folks.