I have poured far too much of my time and energy and money into bottomless pits who don’t even bother to say thank you. It’s a gendered thing.

His hair is very flammable-looking, since you’ve raised the topic. I said “waxed” for a reason.

Thank you. I think I need to get out of here and into a place where I don’t have a track record of eating shit with a smile.

I’m reading it as sarcasm, but language is inherently ambiguous and this is why we really need a sarcasm punctuation mark.

I clearly remember a group of four guys in my class leaning against the lab counters, shooting the shit about how women’s brains weren’t wired to be good at math and physics, while I stuck tiny wires on a breadboard for our group’s electronics final. I didn’t get sexually assaulted in the field, but I know women who…

EDIT: gender, not race. I got bitten by the error-correction bug and shoulda refreshed the page. Thanks a lot, Gawker, I love you too.

I’ve never been called. The least attentive of my high school dropout cousins has served twice, to my knowledge. This is clearly a tragic miscarriage of justice: I demand my right to fill out a questionnaire and be peremptory strike #1.

I had a plastic toy horse named Clover once, then I tried to use Mom’s curler on its mane and everything went up in smoke.

I look like a babushka in my new photo, and the DMV made me surrender the old license, which had a halfway decent picture. I swear they’re in cahoots with the plastic surgeons’ union.

I was pleasantly surprised by this news, which says a lot.

1. Full-spectrum lighting, a thermostat set somewhere between 76 and Egypt in August, and as many hot liquid things as I can drink/wrap my hands around so they stop looking purple;

Oh my god, Bethenny, do you mean there are *gasp* immigrants in New York?! I never would’ve known without your brilliant commentary.

I don’t think I could ever be hungry enough to eat what’s in that picture. Is that a slime mold colonizing the cucumber?

BYO decoder ring. (They don’t all obviously translate into 420, which was my initial guess.)

That last post said “sane” far too much for my comfort. The [lady/man/dog on the internet] doth protest too much.

Your passing acquaintance with grammar and spelling gives you a leg up, to be quite honest. If I *must* star in a creepy blizzard-themed horror movie, I’d prefer someone with a sense of style and a hobby.

We’re getting 8-12 inches in NYC. Do you wanna build a snowman?