A guy once followed me and kept shoving his phone in my face demanding I give him my number. This went on for like five minutes of my walk. Eventually I grabbed it, went to the "mom" contact and threatened to call her. He hightailed it very quickly.

When I was very young and did not know about tipping, my parents took me to a place, and I notice there were some quarters on the table. And my parents laugh and tell me someone accidentally left this money. So, you know, if someone left it, I guess I could have it. And then my dad tells me if I touch the money a…

Wow that customer's an ass, sorry.

"I really hate to be that guy and to stick up for coffee latte lady"

We are legit terrible.

Obviously the steak fajitas had not been grilled enough. The longer you grill them, the more tender they become. Look it up.

Good for Miley! Schwarzenegger is really hard to spell, plus misspelling/regularly forgetting your boyfriend's name lets him know who calls the shots in your relationship.

I could really use an article on how to describe what you want to a hairdresser using their language, but I would need it by 2:30pm eastern time, which I recognize is a LOT to ask. I am biting the bullet and getting bangs again, long side-swept bangs. There is a 50-50 chance I will regret the choice immediately.

Maybe all designers will have models strut down the runway with their dicks hanging out next year. They won't let this guy get away with being so "powerful", "independent" and edgy.

Alternate Fox News approved course titles:

Obligatory:

unpopular opinion: fuck tradition

Let's call it what it is: I don't feel like attending my fucking running club tonight because I'm bloated, exhausted, and bleeding profusely every time I sneeze. If I had to do hill repeats on my period, I'd probably hemorrhage and die, discomforting our running coach who has legit shat himself during a marathon but…

My ring is made out of organically-grown, free-range lentils and the artisans who made it actually paid me to take it off their hands.

Maybe it's cool if you sing it in Italian. "Vaffancuuuuuuulo!"

Whenever this happens* I always think about the kid who pulled the trigger. How do you deal with that as you grow older? (Or in the immediate aftermath AND as you grow older for older children.)

We bought a bio-locking safe for the gun I keep for home defense. It can only be opened with my fingerprint. Hopefully, my kid will never even see the safe. But if she does, I'm going to tell her that it's a trap for the souls of little children to be transported to the Containment Unit, where they don't get any toys…

it's not a penis or something, it's just avril.