It’s maitake — not this hen and chicken shit. And it is delicious. There’s a shroomsman at my local farmers market who sells these for a reasonable price and I pretty much budget my whole year around how much I’ll buy.

Telestiny is the game within the game. 

No, this is wrong. What’s next? A pilaf sandwich? A crouton burrito? A mashed potato banh mi? Madness.

No, you’re saying it wrong. It’s Konan.

This is the kind of post-apocalypse culinary advice I crave.

I fucking hate the word “cranny”. I like english muffins, but fuck crannies.

They don’t call it massivetwoshits for nothin.

I mean, 50 Cent himself is based on a character developed by John Grisham, so this isn’t so hard to believe.

This sounds like such an unmitigated shitshow that it must be parody. 

I’m still waiting for a device that can put the egg back in its shell and reseal it. You know, in case I crack an egg and then decide not to use it.

This is why I take my tea either via feeding tube or enema. Bypass them pearly whites.

A partially loaded .357 and a battered fedora.

We need a cult deprogrammer to ease the diehards out of star citizen.

See?! Texans consume alcohol, that’s what separates them from the taliban.

I, an avid eater of meat, actually like the morningstar “chicken” nuggets. And frankly, if I’m eating something in nugget form, I don’t really care what type of material it’s made of.  So I’ll try these ... maybe?

You know, if I had a robot combat body, I’d get rid of all the extra dangly bits. No tits, no dick and clangers — that’s just extra weight.

Wow, so we’re not even allowed to cry anymore? Thanks a lot, Obama.

I hate and am disgusted by all primates. Is that weird? I hate them. I include humans in that hatred.

I, too, want to listen to The Tribulation while I’m flying around. Fuck, the D1 soundtrack was absolutely stunning.

All guardians (male, female, exo) canonically have a prehensile penis. I forgot to mention that.