There was actually an offshoot of the Manhattan Project that was tasked with developing a candy bar powerful enough to overshadow all other candy bombings combined. It was called the 5th Avenue Project. On the project’s completion, famed chocolatier Robert Cocoanheimer quoted Vishnu, saying “I did what I did and I…

BE A MINDSTICKER

There’s this dish that you used to be able to get in any Canadian diner, but you never see it in the States, and I couldn’t find it last time I was in BC. It’s called “The Milkman’s Dander” or sometimes “Johansson’s Miscalculation” depending on the region. You guys know what I’m talking about? It was usually served in…

Fun fact: according to numerous studies, everybody who drinks (drank) TAB, also regularly drinks Natural Ice, Olde English 800, and Night Train. This family of beverages is known to epidemiologists as “The Dolorous Tetralogy”.

I believe current CDC and WHO guidelines indicate that 1 out of every 3 drinks in Italy is spiked. I think it was emperor Claudius who famously dubbed Rome “The City of Roofies”.

Rectal suppository. 

I only eat fast food from joints that explicitly state, in all of their advertising, that adult humans should not have sexual intercourse with human children. This is one of the reasons that I used to eat at Big Boy restaurants so much. For those of you too young to remember, their motto used to be “Big Boy…

This reminds me of the poorly-thought-out ad campaign for Quorn in the mid 00s. The tagline was “Send Quornographic Photos of Your Naked Body To All Your Contacts, Including Children and the Mentally Infirm!” Needless to say, it was shut down after only 6 months or so. 

If you need to hurl a head of lettuce as hard as you can at someone, you really can’t go wrong with iceberg, for effect.

I hope that sad, black robe is the actual costume. That’s the only way I’d see this shit.

As per the caption, that looks like a rancid, pustulent ham. 

I’d just like to chime in to say that whenever I hear a person say “artic”, I get such a rush of rage-spiked adrenaline that I’ll bet I could tear a car in half with my bare hands.

It’s not an elder scrolls game until: I bump into a bowl on a shelf, sending it shooting across the room at speed of sound, then someone screams “FETCHER!” way too loud compared to the other environmental sound and voices, and then the entire town turns hostile and the game crashes. That’s how you know it’s time to…

Well I’m doing my part. I’m not a teen, but I know what teens buy and I’m buying all that stuff to make up the difference. I’m talking: Pogs, candy-flavored liquor, Poodle skirts, Magic cards, premarital sex, lip gloss, Beatles LPs, jean jackets, heroin, illegal abortions, Sony walkmen, untraceable firearms, posters…

One of the easiest ways to tell if somebody (a man) is out of their fucking mind and to be avoided at all costs is any barest whiff of laconophilia. If you wanted to develop a parody of male hyper-insecurity and toxic masculinity, you couldn’t do any better than Sparta.

Who among us doesn’t get hot just thinking about peeling away the sheer papery layer that barely conceals the smooth, firm bulb beneath. And when you slice into a ripe, gorgeous onion, do you not bite your lip in anticipation as the milky sap rushes to the surface and beads, quivering on the surface of the splayed…

Each of those word is terrible on its own, and then they all get together.

Look at those sensible folks in the PNW. 

It’s fuckin mind-blowing how insecure men are/have always been in every culture that has ever existed. Mind-blowing.

This is why I assume every situation I’m in is actually a selective attention experiment and I’m always on guard. As soon as I see anything slightly out of the ordinary, I jump onto the table (I’m in a restaurant in this example), flail my arms and shriek “NO. NO. SOMETHING CHANGED SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT AND WEIRD…