Maybe Herbert secretly recorded the Dr. having anonymous sex with a prostitute (Herbert, in disguise) and used it to blackmail the doctor into deliberately puncturing Taylor’s lung. I mean, it’s what I’d do.

Combination of the two. Must cover butt, must also cover chest and front legs. A jumpsuit, basically, but with a deep v-neck on the back. That’s the definitive, objectively-correct take.

I only throw Ortiz ventresca cans at police. I’m pretty sophisticated. 

I prefer washing-machine salmon. Toss it in with a load of towels and soiled underwear and BAM! Romantic dinner for two.

This is precisely why I don’t trust that any object is what it appears to be without slicing deeply into it with one of my many Ontological Veracity blades. These are the very same blades I use to slit my own wrists whenever somebody starts talking about metaphysics.

That’s a really good deal. I would purchase eat them all (but only the whites, I would throw the yolks at my enemies). 

Ah, but how about a V5?

To be fair, Washington Football Team is currently the best-named team in the league. 

I don’t have to remove my mask at all, since I get all my nutrients and alcohol via suppository. Yes, even at restaurants. 

“Spoon-bred” is the name of my soup-only popup restaurant.

I’m not sure if I’m more disgusted by trump, his supporters, or his enablers. 

I’d much rather wrestle a bear over a pack of bacon than deal with literally any shopper I’ve ever encountered in a Costco.

Ugh. I hate change. And I hate cash. Every time somebody hands me change, I let out a piercing shriek and turn around and throw it into the street/store/person behind me, as hard as I can.

Here’s how they should do it:

These are OK, I guess. But my favorite wines are:

My town/suburb has voted against expanding public transit and linking into the city for decades. Because it would bring in those people. 

Annie’s white cheddar is my heroin.

Use seasoned rice vinegar to cut out some middlemen. I’m salivating.

This speaks to me. I eat natto with breakfast every day and I do so unashamedly. With gusto, one might say.

Cheeseheads are doughty and resilient people,