Homemade phở, my friends.

Well ... did it work?

Weird -- that is the exact pose I make when I flip someone off. 

Suppository-based transportation, you say? Very interesting. 

One time, I went for an early-morning hike in Saguaro National Park and was stung by bee. Later that day, I ate a Sonoran Dog. Thanks for listening to my story.

Dude needs to buy a toto. Everybody needs to buy a toto. Hi. I’m Jicago, and the Toto Washlet changed my life. It can change yours, too. 

I like Rasputin (“lil putes” as the cool guardians call him). But I refuse to help him until the ikelos weapons get access to current mods. 

One time I was gonna make scrambolt eggs, but I was out of eggs, butter, milk, salt, pepper, a frying pan, fire, and those ovoid slugs of protein that come out the chicken magazine. Eggs. I guess you’d call them eggs. Anyway, I was out of those ingredients.

I can actually recite the Address from memory, ever since I learned it in school some 30 years ago.

I’m constantly extremely pissed off that (more) refrigerators don’t vent their waste heat outside the building. How dare they take heat out of my food and beverages and just dump it into my kitchen like a dog taking a shit on the rug? How fucking dare they.

“You can put anything up your ass, but it doesn’t make it a suppository.”

Is it true that there’s one of Ryan Reynolds’ eyelashes in every bottle of aviation gin?

These people are hauntingly, dangerously, maliciously stupid.

I would rather eat in an outhouse than a goddamn cafeteria. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. 

I don’t know because I’m definitely not an AI. 

well said

I can yank a tooth out pretty fuckin quickly.

Do you guys pronounce biscuits as “biss-kwits” or “Baz-kwarts”?

One of my favorite is the Kefahuchi Tract: 3 oz rum, 2 oz rum, and 1.5 oz rum (served up or on the rocks, doesn’t matter), on an airless moon beside a singularity without an event horizon.

It means throwing the golden plates at them.