Reminds of that time I was trying to take a routine shit in the toilet and I misjudged it and shit directly into my own mouth.

“If that baseball was instead a man, he’d be charged with attempted murder.”

If Darren Rovell’s Tweet were a turd, it would be the dumbest shit ever.

I hope he left Invisible Tom Brady hanging.

Ryan Flaherty ain’t scared.

Wes Welker then went home and gave a similar interview to his desk lamp.

He uses Bing.

If only there had been a good bag with a gun to stop this senseless tragedy.

What’s worse, the duffel bag had a history of carrying weapons.

“Heaven help us if one of the conditions is to pee in a bottle.”

But then he went home and titty-fucked Kate Upton, so . . . win some, lose some.

Jet fuel can melt teams.

I thought Justin Upton was Verlander’s new nickname.

You’re confusing height for size. Of all the players you mentioned, a few are smaller AND lighter than him (which I am not an expert at correlating height/weight across dimensions, so will concede those as fine comparisons). Of the remaining, they are either smaller and the same weight or larger or equal height and…

It was a respectful game when we played!

Too flashy for my taste. I prefer crisp two handed bounce passes where the passer is looking right at his target the whole time. Good, fundamental basketball as decent and honest as a firm handshake between two elderly Lutherans. Guess those days are gone for good, though.

Anchor Julie Stewart-Binks suggested he should dance for her.