My neighbor keeps asking when her kid can meet our week old foster kittens. I have felt funny about saying no, so thank you because I am going to say no for a while, the neighbor kid has issues and I was uncomfortable about it. I am so so sorry about your bunny.

It’ll go away after he kills us all.

I thought the same thing. He’s a regular dude too, like a construction manager or something?

I want that clock radio.

Pontius Pilates is all about the abs, man

He keeps the launch codes in his golf bag so they’re  with him all the time.

Let’s get married.

That picture made me grateful for my clunker uterus.

Plus 20 for the stupid haircut.

Back then I had hope that she would read a book some day.

This is funny and sad. I put down my sweet old boy pup this morning. I swear I am not making this up, he was a slug sniffer-outer extraordinaire in our backyard. He would find them and eat them and then no dog smooches were allowed for a while. He would have loved the slug onslaught buffet.

I’m going to rename my vagina Norma Rae.

He’s just so dumb. Dangerously dumb.

AND you don’t have beg a bottle to put one on.

Don’t worry, I have a stash of dandelions in my yard. Free pickings to anyone.

One of her nannies tried to fuck her husband. The other one maybe dropped her kid on his head? I think that’s right. She seems okay to me.

So boss baby announcements are a thing now, right? Like promposals and gender reveals? Oh hooray!

Radishes (radishi -hee) are about 15 days away.

Plant based melatonin has changed my life. I used to wake up every hour or so, now i get at least 4-5 hours straight. I do work out too and that helps.

Yeah she was spot on and funny. I’m sure there was a blistering follow up call. Although do kids know how to actually dial anymore?