Distract from this chaos by telling me about your eagle scout project.

Now if those girl scouts would stop it with the make-america-fatter-again delicious thin mints the future will indeed look bright.

Next up getting the goods on a certain bellowing orange blobbo and getting him the fuck out of the white house. I’m talking to you, Tom Arnold, you braggy pathetuc little tease.

Oh my, Brad Pitt is back to 1990s-ish hotness. Like when he guested on friends as Monica’s formerly fat high school friend hotness. Yea Brad.

I say give custody of those kids to Jennifer Aniston. They need a place to chill.

Reality stars in the white house. Who next? The Situation in the situation room? Those weirdo Duggars running Children and Family Services?

This makes me so sad. That poor kid, you got his hopes up he had a friend and then shit all over him. Some kids are awful. I’m glad you’re nice now.

Jesus, Johnny, tighten up your scarves, slap on some Eau de Smelly Carny cologne and write the damn check.

Ffs, he/she is not even a clever troll. It’s 7th grade boy trying to be funny/dickish level and I might be being mean to 7th grade boys.

The next four years are going to suck balls so a good dose of Jack and Karen will come in handy.

I know. I blubber up every time they show Gary Fisher and I imagine him getting up and wagging his tail hopefully that it’s his mom every time a door opens.

According to my sources (Star Magazine so has to be true), he dumped his long time girldriend for Mariah. His ex is also a dancer and adorable and of course “heartbroken.” I think Bry-guy is a starfucker extraordinaire but I don’t think Mimi will be all busted up when it ends. They’ll both get what they want. She’ll…

This girl must be some kind of time travelling shape shifter because I literally know no one younger than 45 named Debby. It’s like meeting a 9 year old Gary or 3 year old Linda.

Maybe the three of them could sit down and read a book together. Jane Austen, John Steinbeck, Dr. Suess?

Well, if he didn’t it would sure suck as a grown ass man to have people say on network TV that he murdered his sister. He was never convicted or even charged. I hope he gets a shitload of money.

Dude, I read the earlier thread. If you don’t recognize the under-the-radar assholery in your tone then it’s a lost cause to try to explain why it makes you so unlikable. You seem to be okay with it though, maybe it makes you feel superior? Apparently you can live with it so there’s that.

My great great aunt was confined to the “loony bin” in Cleveland after having several miscarriages and getting sad about it. She died there in the 1940s.

I am so sorry.

We keep saying all this death is the universe paying us for the Cubs finally winning. Take back the world series, universe. Seriously. Give us Carrie and Debbie and David and Prince and fuck even Alan Thicke.

Please keep your shrill opinions about what we’re allowed to be sad about to yourselves. You know who you are. I’m going to be sad about this, I love Star Wars, I love Singin in the Rain. Poor Billie Lourd.