This is why I don’t open the door for unexpected company. Or the phone for unknown numbers. Or talk to people in general.

Full disclosure: I don’t listen to Jay Z, or much hip hop at all, but dude dropped some serious fucking wisdom right there.

Food is my crafting medium. This is my future astrophysicist’s nebula birthday cake.

Seriously, how coddled and unduly confident do you have to be to think that this will just go over as a cute story? This is someone that has never faced consequences in his life.

Does Somerhalder assume people will find this story charming because he’s not ugly? Because it contains at least 3 of the warning signs of abuse in the booklet my doctor gave me at my first prenatal visit.

Yuck. Perfect illustration of the principle that when people tell you who they are, you should listen. She should have run fast in the opposite direction the first time he was “presumptuous.”

Reproductive Coercion is not cute, guy. This girl might wake up in a year and realize she married a controlling psycho. This is like the beginning of a story about a guy who kills his family because they lady breaks up with him.

His mother is his baggage.

I’m the minority in this but why was Peter the favorite? I found his comment about her having a “mediocre life,”to be rude and vindictive.

Whatever, BRYAN.

Ugh are we doing Christmas again this year? Give it a rest, guys.

Brawny paper towel daddy.

So this is...not on the Hallmark Channel?

Fixed that for you:

“I wouldn’t be a good cheater right now because I don’t feel like I can trust you to cheat. So you wouldn’t want to cheat with me because I would be questioning you”

It does make me a little happy that while attempting to insult all of womankind, he sounds like an absolute idiot.

But aren’t the couples who flaunt it (ugh) on social media the ones whose relationships are the most fragile? That’s how you spot a relationship that’s about to blow up or fall apart nowadays.

Yeah, he is so logical that he doesn’t even need to use words properly.

“Do you understand how hard that is? To get a woman that can think on a logistic, like, term?” Fuck off, Kevin Hart. This does not surprise me at all.