“The closer you are to somebody who is spewing droplets, the larger those droplets are likely to be, which is why masks may give you a little bit of protection if you are taking care of a loved one who is sick.”

To further that great analogy very slightly, air bags are actually “Supplemental Restraint Systems” - you may have seen the acronym SRS on your dashboard, etc...

The pants-wetting analogy is gold. Here’s another:

They occasionally travel to Queens.

Six hams, six cheeses, six live chickens, and roughly $12 sounds like great plans for Memorial Day weekend 

Well, America is a country where the head of state and head of government is the same person ... which lends itself to celebrity treatment of the guy in charge of the executive branch, which is how we got 2020. There are advantages to having a powerless head of state (like a monarch) who draws all the celeb worship…

Washing machine to thaw frozen food!? That’s ludicrous everyone knows the safest fastest way to dethaw frozen food is putting it in a ziplock freezer bag and then dropping it into your toilet. The trick here is you have to keep flushing to agitate the frozen food because as we all know your food won’t be unfrozen…

Step 1) Just keep selling the same pizza over and over.

“maybe, but fuck DoorDash!” That’s an awesome quote.

I GOTTA LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!

I bet this neighborhood’s NextDoor page is full of delightful conversations.

Yep. It’s about to be really, really sick.

Sandwiches and hot dogs are just ambitious pizzas

If he had hung an onion from his belt, this never would have happened.

It did in 19 dickety two.  We had to say dickety because the Kaiser took our word for twenty. 

I’m sure I can figure out which pedal is the velocitator, and which one is the decelematrix. - Monty Burns

It was really weird when they replaced Ben Savage with Albert Brooks. 

I’m having a difficult time finding anything incorrect about the Chinese retelling of US actions—I don’t care about their actions right now. I care about ours. And ours have been and continue to be a shit show.

I live in one of the “naughty” states where the feds have been stealing PPE orders from us. There’s nothing…

It sure feels like the only thing the US government has been right about in this whole thing is its opinion of the Chinese government, and the only thing the Chinese government has been right about is its opinion of the US government.

I was about to mock you Americans because this vid is both hilarious and spot-on, but then I remembered I’m Brazilian, our president is a Trump butt-licker sociopath, and thanks to Brazilian government following the exact same lunacy, we’ve already surpassed China in casualties. So I’ll just curl up and cry...