Washing machine to thaw frozen food!? That’s ludicrous everyone knows the safest fastest way to dethaw frozen food is putting it in a ziplock freezer bag and then dropping it into your toilet. The trick here is you have to keep flushing to agitate the frozen food because as we all know your food won’t be unfrozen…

I GOTTA LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!

I bet this neighborhood’s NextDoor page is full of delightful conversations.

Sandwiches and hot dogs are just ambitious pizzas

If he had hung an onion from his belt, this never would have happened.

It did in 19 dickety two.  We had to say dickety because the Kaiser took our word for twenty. 

I’m sure I can figure out which pedal is the velocitator, and which one is the decelematrix. - Monty Burns

It was really weird when they replaced Ben Savage with Albert Brooks. 

Tom sends Jean-Ralphio the Zoom link, Jean-Ralphio proceeds to tell everyone he’s taken up DJing and dominates the audio with his newest jam, Tom: “I don’t know guys, this is a pretty killer track, maybe we should Kickstart his SWEET NEW ALBUM!?!?” The rest of the crew agrees to end the call and move to the second…

Bad plan.

Put enough capsaicin into it and it will keep hands away from the face, no alcohol required. At least not a second time.

But these people are still going to want to vacation. But now they are going to vacation where I vacation. Boooo. Put them back on their boats. 

My dad had me convinced when I was about 5 that there was such a thing as a gefilte fish, and that ahead of passover my grandmother was keeping a school of them in the bathtub, so she could make the gefilte fish as fresh as possible.

Alternative headline:

As a company that has thrived while earning negative profits for years, I think they’re better prepared for this than most.

I once heard Trump fairly accurately described as a poor man’s caricature of a rich man, and I think that Musk could be fairly described as a dumb man’s caricature of a smart man.

In Western Australia, gun shops have been shut down by the Premier and they are PISSED. The local NRA wanna-bes took out a full-page ad in the only state-wide daily newspaper bitching about it. The Premier’s response?

“This isn’t America”.

You’re bummin’ me out.

And yet the mayor in Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2.

Boom, roasted.