People who use custom ring tones are assholes. Just use the factory settings or, better yet, keep it on silent or vibrate. I use the McGyver theme song for mine.

Pfft, more like Big10YearOld Network.

Here’s a really important one: If you are late, it’s probably your own fault. Don’t take it out on everyone else.

Very rarely are you late because of a cyclist, pedestrian or slow moving traffic. You are late because you waited until the last minute to leave and expected perfect conditions on the road. So now, you are…

I’m not sure I ever really went to bed. I saw a tweet that said:

but this kneeling is only slightly related to the original kneeling. There was kneeling about police brutality, then about doing it to prove it could be done, and now it’s becoming a way to protest an idiot owner. We’re creeping closer and closer to the kneeling-cause-of-the-week.

Wow, it’s almost like the protests, like the national anthem itself, have nothing to do with the troops and everything to do with the dehumanization of black people. Who knew!

My daily prayer:

He runs like a six year old who just saw a bee.

Jason Mantzoukas just got dumped by Rosa Diaz, landing ... whatever Janet is, is for sure a nice rebound, as much for him as for her.

I’ll almost surely be dead.

Regardless the answer, there’s zero chance Windhorst survives to report on it.

Some people mature. Some people just have birthdays.

God people are assholes.

Could be worse, their players could be kneeling during the national anthem.

As an autistic person it blows my mind that people would rather have a dead kid than an autistic one.

What’s the worst that can happen?

They actually give you a high 100k salary.

Then you go and binge purchase all the stuff you ever wanted.

Then you get targeted by a jealous neighbor who then robs you.

Then you move to the wrong neighborhood.

Then you meet a person pretending to be your friend who then gets you hooked on…

I honest to god thought the exact same thing. Sort of word salad, and the shoe thing was weird.

First birthday parties are not for the kid, they’re for the parents. Congratulations on getting through the first year.

I take my toddler to a indoor play-place with ball pits and slides and such. There is one kid there who pushes the other kids, screams in their faces and steals the toys right out of their hands. His mom, the entire hour, is on her iPhone instead of watching him.

“Chumba, one of the runners who was led off-course, took fourth.”