Colton Hathcock is severely underrated. The man’s name is its own sentence! Loogit that name! Girls are all together in the locker room talking about cute guys and someone asks Bethany who she thinks is cute and she’s all “Um, well, ha, Colton Hathcock,” and Amber, that slut, chimes in “Yeah he does” because she gave…

Hathcock also plays on the basketball team - unfortunately, his coach says, he will travel...

I’m worried about his impact on the locker room.

Trainer: How are you feeling today, Vlatko?

I am straight-up never going to tire of the “getting hit by” runner. I hope on my deathbed, my demented, Alzheimer’sy self reads an article about “Early 21st century presidents, ranked” that ends “6. Getting hit by a Glorbulon Freighter.

Cavs Postgame Report: Grim, Reefer

“...but at the same time I had a broken ankle. I won a championship with you and you don’t even really call me. I’ve got to beg you to call me. My agent has to beg you to call me ... My ankle was broke. My ankle was broke. And they’re shooting me up, shooting me up, shooting me up every day to play. My ankle was…

“The State Patrol reports that Chyna Thomas was not wearing her seat belt.”

Yes humans became immortal on January 1

It’s almost as if people die all the time every year...

The sheer deadpan-ness and anti-humor here actually did make me laugh out loud. I’ve never heard of this comic before.

Okay. You sit down and read your paper, and you’re enjoying your entire two-page comics spread. Right? And then there’s the Family fucking Circus, bottom right-hand corner, just waiting to suck. And that’s the last thing you read, so it spoils everything you read before it.

Is this gonna turn into some goddamn logic puzzle? The staffer who ranked Andy Capp the highest was NOT the staffer that ranked Garfield above Peanuts. One staffer whose last name ends with “n” ranked Ziggy and Cathy the same....

I’d say the problem with Marmaduke and Family Circus is there hasn’t been an original strip for either of them in a long, long time. I guess the hope is that new, young readers won’t recognize the recycling.

..........................That staffer is now fired, yes?

Family Circus and Marmaduke are two of the worst things in human history, non-murder/war division.

Is Doris Tim's mother?

a list that has regular cheerios above honey nut cheerios in order of deliciousness cannot be taken seriously

This is just awful and wrong.

TIM MARCHMAN DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THE REST OF THE DEADSPIN STAFF.