This is amazing and now I’m in love with you.

I swear I can’t watch that woman handle a newborn human being like that. That baby was only a few hours old. Newborns need to sleep and eat and be swaddled in warm blankets, not have their arms nearly pulled out of their sockets while they freeze without any clothes on. That’s physical abuse and I hope she gets jail…

Ice Town?

Oh, forget the meeting with survivors if it means I’ll need to keep doing that. I’m too busy writing my fresh take on some Bible verses. Also, nothing satisfies these people. And I’m totally at peace with that.

Quick, some Ritalin!

Ohhhhhhh! Wow, those people suck even harder than I thought they did.

Letter 2 is why I read this column. The unfailingly zany-bad advice.

I am so grossed out that you know all that stuff about your niece.

Yeah, he says “moralized” the issue as though the issue isn’t actual terrorists.

Well, that was certainly confusing.

She knows her stuff

Huh? QueenVictoriasCorsetKatana advised her to leave right away or as soon as she is able. As for a stable mom and dad relationship, the *dad* is the one who fucked that up. The mom thought she was in a happy family that would stay together. The dad is the one who knew he was having a kid with someone he was lying…

God, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s unimaginably cruel.

I wouldn’t do that dress unto anyone.

The point is that it doesn’t matter where racism comes from. If you do something racist, it’s racist. You don’t need to examine people’s hearts and you don’t need to point out to others that their hearts may be pure. Intention doesn’t matter as much as actions do.

Ignorance? First, he’s a college president so he has no excuse for not being educated. Second, when a human being asks you a question about something that she is clearly offended by, you don’t respond by saying “Cotton isn’t inherently bad if we’re all wearing it.” You respond like a fucking human being, not some…

Jesus Christ on a stick. I’m always astonished at how people like President Randy can be so cavalier instead of hunkering down in apologetic shame the split second all this junk is pointed out to him. Or before that.

WOW. Texas, gun, machete. It just always sounds so horrific down there.

I honestly don’t get the “white privilege” part. What were they doing? Just chanting “white privilege” for no reason as they climbed into the car? Does anyone else understand that part?

No, we’re serious. We only read this column to marvel at how bad it is.