I am in a listicle mood today, so:

step 1: stalk yourself. how easy are you to stalk? could you rape you?

I'm much, much, much more concerned with our bloated military budget than I'll ever be with social program fraud.

Don't forget out racist present!

And that's the real fear, not looking good.

Anastasia refers to her ass as her "behind," her vagina as her "sex." Her juvenile exclamations of "Jeez!" and "Oh, my!" and "Hmmm" are interspersed with the least specific descriptions of Christian Grey—the guy who threatens to beat her up for mouthing off or misbehaving—as the hottest man in the history of…

"Perhaps most unrealistically, its male protagonist is a 27-year-old man living in Seattle who wears ironed shirts, cleans his room, and has his shit together."

About Sam Smith... I'm really surprised no one is talking about the whole Tom Petty thing. I mean, he, or one of the writers on the song, stole from Tom Petty. Tom Petty was like WTF and then he was able, after the fact, to get a partial co-write credit to sweep it under the rug before this kid's big win. Think it's…

I would stay that's comparably annoying to having your 9 year old daughter play Fancy on the music player about once per hour. Now we're even.

TARLIE SLOSS

In five years or so, Perry and Swift are going to finally realize that they are actually in love with each other, get married, and live happily ever after. And they'll get matching restraining orders against Mayer as wedding presents to each other. Calling it now.

The Patriarchy

I'm pretty sure I still have a bunch of those Chick Tracts those people left all over the shelves of the place I worked. Any time anyone in my department found one, we'd sit in the back room for a while reading it aloud and making fun of the nutjobs.

As a midwestern Christian (who would a) expect higher prices in NYC, because common sense, and b) NEVER leave a religious tract with a tip, let alone instead of a tip), I agree 100%.

A surprisingly large percentage of ancient booby-trapped treasure temples were built with walker ramps and elevators.

It's the premature looking jowling. Racism gives you jowls.

There are many more independents and liberals here in the heartland than Mike Huckabee wants to admit. He already knows it but that just didn't fit on the banner that he fingerpainted with Scott Walker and Rick Perry during Arts and Crafts hour.

As a representative of the "American Heartland" woman, in my forties, I hate to break it to M. Hucks, but we've been smoking, swearing, fucking, and drinking in the flyover states for quite a while now. Wearing pants, voting, showing our ankles, the whole shebang. It's like we think we're people or something.

Someone broke Megyn Kelly and I'm loving every. fucking. second.

Clearly the biggest lie here is that he has a friend.