When I go running, I fart. A lot. Normally I am running by myself so I just let them rip without shame, or until I am at least far enough away from the person running past me to claim a smelt it dealt it situation. So one night I had gone for a 5 mile jog at this park near my house (shout out to Green Lake) and I…

Cry me a River Justin

I’m not into her cultural appropriation, but I love her slutty clothes. They’re so sparkly!

I was naked when I came out of the womb and I’ve been trying to stay that way ever since.

Now that I think about it. I should have been more naked in my 20s.

THE SADDEST BALLADS IN A CENTURY WOULD BE THE LOSS OF OLIVIA OR MEREDITH. DO NOT EVEN START.

some time in the mid-90s I fell out of my bunk bed and hit my head. My parents took me to the ER, and the doctors asked me various questions to determine my mental status. One of them was “Who’s in charge at the White House?” I deadpanned “Hillary” and had the whole ER laughing. I was seven or eight.

Google though. don’t be evil my ass. It’s not like they don’t have resources to throw at workplace dynamic problems. If they are not succeeding in diversifying their workforce, it is a lack of will.

IT IS TOO EARLY FOR ME TO BE WEEPING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE LIKE THIS

I’m not going to begrudge anyone who survived a brutal attack the right to make money from that. She’s profiting from telling her story? I’m cool with that.

And people that pick homes to rob from the obituaries.

Yes, you should not believe it. Can I have three fiddy?

I’d be more concerned about my work knowing what I’m IMing about if I had any faith in our IT department. And I work for a massive global tech company.

Really? I thought it was buying the coffee shop and running it into the ground.

“That’s the reason this buff Negroid Amazon keeps dominating this classic sport, white people. Don’t worry. Normal cute white athletes would be killing it out there if they decided to become the double-muscled clydesdale that this black chick is, but we have smart trainers who made sure they stay small and fuckable.…

Jesus. Hector. Christ. I hope someone proposes during her stupid fucking wedding. I hope everyone who’s not the bride wears white just to spite her. I hope her maid of honor gives a really mean, passive-aggressive speech. I hope her aunt gets too drunk and hits on the groom, and he goes for it.

I’m going to be really upset as soon as I find out who or what “Rita Ora” is. A yogurt? An IKEA shelving unit?