Those are . . . those are real tweets? An at least semi-respected publication with decades of print history actually used “vajazzled”?

No need to be scared. Make sure the lid is properly threaded and tightened, before charging, and charge it with the base of the bottle on the counter (and not pointed at your chest, as this woman almost certainly did). Inspect the threads and the seal every once in a while, for damage or wear. The thing clearly…

That seriously cannot taste good.

A kid in my grade 6 class died like this. She got nailed in the chest with a volleyball and keeled over in front of the entire gym class. The teacher was so distraught she took a leave and never came back. It’s such a senseless and random thing and there’s no way to predict who will respond in such a way, or in what…

We use these all the time at the coffee shop I work at. They scare the shit out of me so I’m always extremely careful using them. My coworkers tease me about it but apparently I have a good reason to be careful. I’m sorry that this woman died. It’s so unfortunate.

You know that fucker was making them buy name brand.

Could have been worse, it could have been Walmart.

I mean...I can’t say that I didn’t laugh at this headline. BUT, I’m so glad the family was able to get away from this maniac without harm or incident.

Shit, even I don’t want a picture of my own dick. Ew.

I swear, men are so stupid. Zero people want pictures of our dicks.

If someone is actively having sex with you, the fact that you have an anus is unlikely to shock them. Is it wrong that I don’t care about this? I admit that I had some hubris—I figured this didn’t happen for fat ladies, that our Sir-Mix-A-Lot celebrated asses protected our butthole’s privacy—but it’s essentially…

I can honestly say I have never in my life ever spent one second of my life concerned about someone seeing my butthole during sex. It has never even entered into my mind.

Meh. Just imagine a teenager that spends way too much time with his racist grandparents making a speech.

Eh... I actually didn’t care what he sounded like. I just want him to go away.

Audiences and critics are so stupid. Don’t they know there’s nothing more fascinating than a white man in his 50's running around, pretending to be Indiana Jones? 

Somewhere, Nicole Kidman is reading this and cackling.

Counterpoint: The reason Trump and his supporters continue to shit all over us is because that is what they do.

A racist ventriloquist dummy. Looks like something Jeff Dunham would come up with.