Anyone over the age of 6 years old who doesn't eat their crusts needs a dick punch.

He won't be fat in 2 years, he'll be fatter.

"His family is beside themselves", in this case, means that the attendance at the game was 4.

well.... she did give a shoutout to her butt...

The fact that she didn't list a Kardashian or Taylor Swift means you've done your job as a father

Would always prefer pre-made, but usually Hershey's liquid lite syrup with 1% milk. My girlfriend thinks it's cute. My father thinks I'm a moron.

You mean "pillows?"

Planted restaurant reviews are hilarious. I love when they use the exact nomenclature from the menu: "While I didn't think anything could be more scrumptious than the Cap'n Ahab Fish Sandwich, I was proven wrong when I ordered the Blue Meadow Farms Angus Cheddar Burger. Yum! I highly recommend you stop in for lunch or…

Old man hot take right there!

As a guy who worked in the restaurant industry for 15 years, I've had to clean up both the mens and womens bathrooms from time to time. And I can tell you that womens bathrooms are more dirty and disgusting by orders of magnitude than mens bathrooms are. Women will take USED TOILET TISSUE AND THROW IT ON THE FLOOR! …

"If you all came here for an education, you should have gone to Harvard."

Powell may call it "running train", but UNC calls it studying to become an engineer.

"Alright, here we go! Osweiler's time to shi......fuck!"

Son of a bitch! Which one of you fucking morons left Karl Rove in the dryer too long!?

Newton's playing behind an o-line that's basically five cardboard standees lined up. Still, if you've got a hankering for Newton criticism, I think Peter King has plenty to share.

I will reiterate my belief that the entire purpose of these talking heads and reporters at ESPN is to create controversy for all other ESPN writers, reporters and "analysts" to bloviate on. It's a big ol' circle jerk.

It's amazing that a team trying to stay on a budget has a $7m/yr forward, and that they play better when he's in the press box