This morning on MSNBC, he said “If Trump wins, we’ll have to build a wall to keep people IN.” And then “John Kasich would beat Hillary by eleven points, so obviously he’s out.”

Dear gods, is this perfect timing. This past summer, my best friend suddenly became hostile and unfriendly; no warning, no explanation, no anything. Then I found out that she had been excluding me from activities we used to do with two other gfs, and then posting their fun on Facebook for me to see. This put the other…

Or nah.

My ‘spiritual’ friend dumped me when I got chronically ill. Because it says so in The Secret, you shouldn’t consort with sick people because it will attract more sickness. Some spiritual people are sick in the head. Namaste cuntface!

BUT HOW HUMAN BE MORE THAN ONE IDENTITY SAME TIME? HOW WOMAN HAVE THOUGHTS? WHY WOMAN SPEAK? HOW IS BABBY FORMED? HOW MY NAME ANCIENT EMPEROR? TRUMP2016!

Why is he not running? Why??!! He would have made the perfect compromise candidate between Hillary and Bernie, at least in my head.

“Ted Cruz? An inspiration to every kid in America who worries that he’ll never be able to run for president because nobody likes him. He’s running. And look, I told Barack, if you really, really want to remake the Supreme Court, nominate Cruz. Before you know it, you’ll have eight vacancies.”

It’s not a big deal. A black bar in a photo just means you have 72 hours to find and kill all of your blood relatives or Lizzie rises from the grave to drag you, screaming, into Hell.

Makes sense, because tennis scoring is already in dog points.

Using ball dogs at a tennis match is a bad idea. It’s just a slippery slope toward asshole cats acting as chair umpires.

I don’t think it was a “perplexing clunker,” so much as a silly inflated figure that was meant as a pretty obvious joke number. Should he have said they sold $2.5 million worth, just to make it a bit more obvious?

Am I the only one who does not care for those cookies? I’ve tried them but I don’t find anything special about them. Plus why doesn’t Chris just buy a ton of cookies? He has money.

I mean, if I was Leo, every molecule in my body would have been screaming with anxiety over whether or not I was FINALLY going to get the award, and I would also be exquisitely aware that everybody was going to be watching and analyzing even the slightest indication of an expression on my face, so I would be trying my…

everyone please kindly participate in my V IMPORTANT study:

I’m 100% sure she did not get the joke.

Nope, I don’t think so. That all sounds totally normal to me.

And don’t take a picture of him while you’re doing it ;)