Sigh. This is sad. I’ve owned some great one, including the phenomenal, much-maligned first-gen Allroad (just replace the air suspension with a standard suspension the first time it breaks and 99.9 percent of your issues go away) and a Merc E500 4matic.

You know you’re getting old when you read the lineup and go:

Damn. I actually held out hope for this, even though I knew in the back of mind it would be a box of hot garbage.

Erm, yes and no.

“Cosmopolitan strawman of the week introduces a problem in Arlen that only Hank can solve with Common Sense™”

Ah. Yeah, I know that barn; it’s up near the Klamath River, if memory serves. The Confederate flags surprise me not at all. That region (extreme northern California and southern Oregon) is a hotbed of don’t tread on me’s who are constantly saber-rattling that they’re going to form their own state, Jeffersonia, where…

Honestly, they might be. Some of the farming towns in the central valley are really, really rough — definitely not what you’d expect if you’re thinking palm trees and surfers.

Yeah, Californian here. I think much of the country is completely addled by television and has no idea what California is actually like, which is country as fuck.

Wow, that’s like 230 pounds of fuel. Or the weight of one additional typical Corvette owner.

FTFY.

And blaringly obvious but also sublime, The Green Parrot. I grew up in Miami and spend a lot of time in Key West, and I’d argue that not only is it the best bar in Key West, it’s also one of the best in the country. (That could be the homer in me talking, though.)

The fact that it looks like a slab of an interstate highway and is surrounded by a group of people in lab coats is not inspiring a lot of confidence in the taste of this thing.

Based on what I see exploding from every garbage can in every park in every working-class neighborhood in California, Tecate has to be among the top five beers in California. And, along with Corona Familiar and Estrella Jalisco, it’s pretty much the only beer for sale at any Mexican grocery chain in the state.

And what kills me is she’s also the worst goddamn actor in the world. I have never understood her situation in the slightest — why has she ever been a thing?

That’s my main issue with this: It seems like a rolling kitchen. Unless it’s a setpiece for some Food Network show, it seems like a ludicrous amount of space to dedicate to this, especially considering that (I’d assume) you’ll probably grill outdoors almost every night you use this thing. I’d rather have a full-sized…

Well, all those baby blood rituals and making deals with Hugo Chavez to recode voting machines is exhausting. Give them time.

Nope, that movie was great.

As a regular working guy in what’s become a tech-bro, alpha, super-achiever town full of dot-com exec/Stanford/used to be in a band/was a pro snowboarder/collect ‘70s BMWs/sure, I’ll coach all the sports super dads, I found Daddy’s Home to be both relatable and freakin’ hilarious.

While some of the driver assists are annoying, adaptive cruise control absolutely rules.

Beats is just a brand — their actual products are garbage. Boomy, simple and loud. Zero balance and poor sound quality.