Archie. I can’t stand nicknames on birth certificates. 

I want you to name the entire world’s babies from now to eternity.

As if they need credit cards. You’re funny.

You need a new typewriter.

Translate for the non-moms.

Thank you for perfectly expressing my subconscious, pre-verbal thoughts.

When you use a ridiculous font no one thinks you have a plan.

Why are you answering for the mortician?

Exactly. Wtf is going on here? They committed crimes. Why aren’t they arrested?

On a long road trip to visit my family I made the mistake of binging Serial season 3. I learned more about the corrupt and brutal justice system than I ever cared to know. Now I’m volunteering for a police-reform organization. This shit is sickening.

I have a black friend who specializes in interventions for white parents of black children with uncared-for hair. It’s all volunteer work but she makes the world a better place.

I love you Michael Harriot but I can’t stand tired jokes about how what people wear tells you what’s in their heart. Unless it’s a MAGA hat, of course.

I’m sick of this Swisher chick. She keeps cutting Kathy off and rushing her along. She doesn’t react to any jokes or any horrible stories. It’s like she’s not interested in anything Kathy has to say. She just wants to hustle her off the stage.

I’m fascinated by the ways in which people dare to deflect from their own bad behavior.

1. Now I want avocado toast.

They got this idea from a Parks & Recreation episode.

To be fair, they’ll add in at least 2 pedophiles.

Email Fox. Tell them to fire Carlson.
https://help.foxnews.com/hc/en-us/requests/new

What I hate is the employees who hover and try to micromanage my self-checkout experience. I get through a billion times faster when they’re busy ruining some other customer’s flow.

If the father wanted to say anything at all, it shouldn’t have been through his goddamn car dealership.