Please let this be the beginning of a weeks worth of stories about beautiful English icons not dying from cancer.

That's one badass assistant principal.

When he was arrested, the police report said, Stockert claimed that his parents were John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe and that he came to the capital to announce his campaign for president.

So both of these people are insufferable, but it’s so weird that literally everything they didn’t like about her (lightness, distracting family) was positive and inspiring when he stepped up. I’d be mad too if I was her, but in less of a “why can’t I ever be good enough” way and in more of a “that’s some internalized…

Being fired for being too boring for a Real Housewife almost feels like a compliment.

My sister: I’m thinking of getting Elf on the Shelf for the kids, what do you think?

Some in the audience escaped to the exits when the Wolf of Wall Street met the Grizzly of Yellowstone.

I mean, that’s like their tagline:

So what are they saying... that a bear can’t rape a man because it’s female?

My boyfriends text when it was announced he was hosting:

This is my favorite. My mom and I still tell each other to ‘Stop it!’ when we are getting anxious or depressed.

Launching, yes. Being funny, not so much.

Bending forward to speak into the microphone he’s holding, since he didn’t think to hand it to her.

Ma’am, you need to say no to that man like American needs to say no to Ben Carson.

Kristen Wiig is funny but she doesn’t get enough credit for her dramatic range.

Did y’all see Yolanda’s medicine CLOSET on this week’s RHOBH? I’d be sick too if I was inhaling lavender, popping Ativan, injecting Vitamin K, snorting Cymbalta, rubbing Vicks on my feet, noshing on Lipitor, and imbibing amoxicillin.

Noel Gallagher: Adele’s music is bland and “for fucking grannies,” but he loves Coldplay.

I’m not crying you’re crying.