I don’t have balls, hence my not knowing this was done. Someone knocking my balls around before I can exercise my freedom of movement would very well push me over the edge.

Is that you, Steve?

Being relatively unimportant here means you’re still required to do it 1-2 times per year. The relatively important people who do it every month are completely flipping out.

moving his balls left to right,

I used to take day trips to Canada and back and the difference between Canadian border patrol and US is night and day. (I wasn’t smuggling anything/anyone - Winnipeg was just the nearest city.)

As far as I’m concerned, this is the upside of my employers being flat-ass broke and banning all business travel.

My mom swears she’s never found a “we searched your checked luggage” notice. It became an issue time we traveled together because she got wary when asked to unlock it - she had no idea they were doing that.

force my wife to taste test the expressed breast milk

When someone’s displeased with me for not doing something I can’t or doing something I have to, explaining my obligation is the first thing I do. Yes, it’s shifting blame. But when done right, it can get them off my ass and even make both of us less unhappy by having a mutual enemy to grumble about.

Purists will now shit on me for using gloves but the single greatest gift I’ve ever received from a man not my father was red Swarovski crystal-studded weight gloves. (I don’t get many gifts from men.) He’s long gone but I still have those gorgeous gloves.

She could have said that instead of anything she actually did. 

Oh man, don’t get me started on small minded, self important people working at the social security office. I once had a security guard yell at me for doing ... exactly what people do at the social security office. I could barely even move without her coming down on me, so I was already anxious when my number was…

No one said that was why, though. Like I said, in retrospect I think it was miscommunication, but if it was no one in the interaction (including me) tried to make it better instead of worse.

I had a really weird experience the last time I was selected for random screening. I knew what to expect so when she went into her verbal spiel, I waived the preview and said she could just get started. And she got SUPER PISSED at me. I got pissed because it was 4:45 AM and I had an unreasonable bitch snarling in my…

Still don’t understand why people went batshit over Pelton showing a person using a bike when CVS got a pass over telling us we need flu shots or we’ll get the flu from our dogs.

I dropped dental coverage at my last job because it cost $40/month and it’s been since childhood that I’ve needed anything more than preventive care. I’ve literally had a dentist call the other dentist into the room to marvel over my beautiful teeth.

“They buy a Peloton because they want the lifestyle the equipment promises to deliver.”

In other words, those in advertising believe consumers are dimwits ripe for brainwashing.

One year Spanx sent me a “gift giving guide.” They seriously wanted me to give the women in my life GIRDLES for Christmas. Happy holidays, wide load.

Random aside: ever hiccup and burp at the same time? It feels like you’re yakking up your spleen.