But. I have never used this and now I know it exists and it’s going away and I’m mourning something I never had.

I seriously do them about 4 times a day. Any time I see an ad for Poise or hear anything about incontinence, I am squeezing like a motherfucker.

Last night Sarandon was nominated for a SAG for her performance in The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe;

Are you still here? I thought you left and I was so sad about it!

Who’s Marie Lodi?

I’m always so conflicted when I hear my favorite Jez writers are moving on. Of course I wish them all the success in the world but it still is sad. Marie, are weekend warrior, I will miss you so much. And of course I wish you nothing but unicorns farting rainbows!

I’m throwing my best girls a Galentines Day party! I’m so excited to have a reason to buy cute decorations, the menu is breakfast foods and mimosas. I can’t wait! (If you don’t know, it’s based on an episode of Parks and Recreation where Leslie urges everyone to celebrate lady friends!)

Even though I am coupled, we don’t do anything for Valentine’s day, because we just don’t. And I worked in the food industry long enough to know that it’s a bloody RACKET to go out. People give us weird flack for this, but whatevs, our plans are so.much.better.

I like to go out with other single friends for dinner and then watch a horror movie. It’s a nice antidote to the forced lovey-dovey nature of Valentine’s Day.

Hey Jezztones,

That dorky Hallmark instigated heart shaped conspiracy holiday is coming up. For those that might not be blessed in bliss - what are people’s favorite ways to distract yourself from it?

(or is it it just a universal chocolate, ice cream and sappy netflix movies all the way round? :P)

My cousin loves it but she thinks Twilight is a great love story. My aunt was talking about great romances and how Twilight doesn’t compare. My cousin said Twilight was our generation great love story. My aunt gave her a look that could melt steel.

I did try to read the first book. It was so bad I gave up, and now I think everything associated with it is absurd. So many of my friends loved the series, and I think it's about as sexy as an ice cold shower in public.

Rachel: Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion, okay? Oh, oh, and on page two he’s not ‘reaching for her heaving beasts’.
Monica: What’s a ‘niffle’?
Joey: You can usually find them on the ‘heaving beasts’.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I’m not a great typist
Ross: Wait!…

I need to start writing bad erotica, like, now.

The moral to this story being:
$40 million? HOLY F*CK!

Who’s got the inside track on the *next* racy meme trend?

As Jezebel’s Bobby Finger points out

Sounds like this assplay feud has taken Kanye down a peg or two.

So much insanity going on with this family right now and we get the “privilege” of seeing it all!

I’m sure that vow will last at least a few weeks.

Yes, but 18 year olds are adults. The money her father left for her should be turned over to her when she reaches legal adulthood - 18.