Donald Trump: So full of shit, he makes the NFL look like a credible organization.

"More glitter in the penthouse and a shoe store on every level. It won't be easy luring Taylor Swift from New York."

you'll be sorry you choose Goldfinger as the inflight movie

"And this is where we will put all the restaurant franchises. Make sure there is ample room for all. But not Papa Johns. Shitty Pizza. Made Glorious Leader sick with the runs."

I hope the pilot had his notepad so he could take notes on how to fly a plane.

I'm thinking the opposite: I'd rather have a guy in charge who actually experienced driving crazy cars with massive power in an era with terrible safety, not to mention almost died himself and has to live with a disfigured appearance to this day because of it. He has himself put his life on the line and faced terrible…

This isn't something that a civilised person does.. No human being can do this.. To keep the bodies of innocent people away from their families.. Only animals do this kind of shit and I hope whoever is responsible pays a great cost for this..

Speed is never a cause of death in an accident. Suddenly becoming stationary? That is what gets you.

Nasim Pedrad needs more to do on SNL

Arizona version of "If you find yourself in Lien's situation, I would advise that you:"