This is the first thing I see when I open the internet today. Who knew a 15 year old from Iowa could give me such joy on my birthday? I feel like Jared Fogle.

NFL: you abused the sacred ball and we will flatten you with our justice hammer

Last year a Texas Rangers fan said, “Prince Fielder had 500 plate appearances last year. Unfortunately, 400 of them were at barbecue joints.”

“Good to see an Arby’s reference in this post, as it is surely one of my favorite restaurants”

The Butter Battle Book is the best Dr. Seuss and this is a fact.

COTD

“Did you go to automotive engine building school? Well shut up, we know what’s best.”

Probably not the reaction anyone expected from mixing acid with some bases.

You’re trying to tell me at a couple hundred knots you could make out a smile and him waving?

2) Leaving

And goddammit, can we please stop rising for “God Bless America” in the seventh? It’s not the national anthem. I’m not getting off my ass twice in one game to fellate the flag again.

The other half, as ever, being accurate and sustained artillery fire.

GM and Chrysler stock pre-Bailout?

If that batting average is any indication, he’s forgetting his bat on the regular.

Godfuckingdammit! This shit for brains ass team has more articles on Deadspin right now than goddamn fucking first downs. I don't need this shit before I go to work today. Can we just make the LOLRedskins tag and just get it the fuck over with already. I just wanna go back and fucking strangle my seven year old self.