In Bernie’s NFL, cheerleaders will give stump speeches about the opposing team’s systemic economic inequality to rile up the home fans.

In Bernie’s NFL, Draft Day would redistribute talent by sending the most skilled recruits to the teams most in need of those skills.

Oh man, this could be fun. Ok. “In Bernie’s NFL, you won’t be able to tell the teams apart, because they’ll both be wearing identical Maoist tunics by imperial mandate.” Your turn?

A rule that seems more honored in its breach than its observance?

I’m not a fan of whatever allowed Talib to stay in the game after this play. Football is awful. So is politics. Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy watching both.

I’ve got to be able to talk to my father about *something*.

True genius expresses what you knew all along but never recognized. Well done.

Instead, let’s fuck with the rules because it will make the game less awful to have to watch.

+15 yards (to be used at a time of your choosing)

Dumb as a box of rocks ugly sister-fucker until proven guilty. And also after.

Ok, but can we talk about what’s the worst thing about Pete Carroll? When he’s on the sideline, he takes his chewing gum out of his mouth and tosses it over his shoulder! Seriously, that is some nasty disgusting shit right there.

Why not both?

That is one ugly-ass family. Or ugly ass-family. Whichevs.

Very admirable!

Innit always?

I don’t think I’ve ever met an actual Browns fan, but if they’re anything like, say, any other NFL fan, I’ll believe it. It isn’t more pitiable or unintentionally hilarious than obnoxious?

They stood in front of you the whole time, didn’t they? Those bastards.

Man I can’t wait to see what you guys (fans) have in store for Sounders fans those three games. How are you going to match your team’s recent success? Flounders just won’t cut it anymore — gotta step it up a bit.

Ok but Browns fans? How on earth are they obnoxious and/or self-congratulatory??

Mariners fans tho. Those people are the very definition of lovable losers. Until the team starts winning and they start selling more than 10k tickets to any given game.