“Also, per school policy, the dog has been expelled”

“We commend Ishmael for not taking his frustrations out on another human like many of our athletes previously would have. This is another step in the right direction for Baylor athletics.” - new Baylor AD

I’m totally cool lying to a foreign government, especially a corrupt one. His allegiance is to the stars and bars, not crooked ass Brazil. But, man, if it’s true he did it to keep his chick from finding out, that’s a bad look. There are levels of chick you obstruct justice over. Kate Upton, Emily Ratajkowski, Betty…

You mean when she ran slower than the winner?

Germans talking shit to Brits and winning? Third time’s a charm.

Bullshit. All I need is a nice image of an undressed lady.

Costas might bring it up in passing, as an excuse to segue into that great story about the time the train the Pirates were traveling on broke down and so the Pirates team ended up having to walk a piece down some back roads and they were fired on by moonshiners who mistook them fer Revenue Agents but luckily Pie…

Witnesses: We were the ones shooting.

During my job interview, my boss asked me if I had experience using Excel. I told him that I excelled in it and got a little chuckle out of him. I have no clue what the fuck I’m doing on Excel, but no one has noticed for 8 years.

Casey: You’’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, it’’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it…

If you’re an Olympic athlete, training for these games is your job, and competing in them is your life’s goal. Pointing out that the host country sucked at completing facilities shouldn’t mean that you therefore have to leave and give up.

Was this comment run through Google Translate?

How do the women look?

Sir, I don’t believe you get Deadspin...

SAM BRADFORD PLAYS ULTIMATE FRISBEE?

Within the next 3 years there will be 20 middle schools named after this frog.

France's space exploration program is a work in progress