Traditional beauty standards of a genetically engineered marble statue. I don't think we should be mad at Jezebel for accurately pointing out that humans should look like humans. If some people want to believe that a stretch mark is a flaw that's their problem.

She is the kind of person that prefers hash browns to hashtags and we can't really fault her for that.

Kale is good when it's in tiny tiny salad pieces so it doesn't expand in your stomach and slice you apart from the inside like how Inuits hunt polar bears...

whose only purpose is guiding the white girl in her romantic life

would touch his tits fo sho

If Maleficent had a pet ferret it would be named Malfeasance.

I often pit apples and oranges against each other in a juicy battle to the death.

I thought we all forgot :( Who didn't look in to the light?

There's no water, you shoot a stream of terror piss in front of you a la Iceman.

My friend got a $10,000 grant from the government for a poem about his testicles.

We tortured our own toys. My sister made a mass grave for her decapitated Barbies. The hairless heads went in a nearby hole. I wanted to freeze my teddy bear, but I realised I had to soak it in water first, then put it in the freezer. My mom saw it hanging from the ceiling one night, dripping on the carpet.

I'm gay (and I speak for all of us, OBVS), so there's a constant critique of every person we see, a discussion of the Things we would like to do to them: who gets which end, etc.

My one black friend said I could in high school, so I think I have permission forever? I'm fairly certain he was the King of Black People.

'Tara Lazet' already sounds like an awesome, ageless alien name.

Veterans with PTSD don't like it either (I'm not trying to sass you, but this is something I just learned and I thought it was interesting).

Patrice O'Neal was a terrible comic. There you go.

I hate having an HM slave, it really makes me feel like a bad person, and it's also just a stupid game mechanic that I wish they would change.

Well I'm obviously okay with a god sexually assaulting me, I assume they're immune to prosecution. Zeus got away with it.

The top image needs two salads photoshopped in to it.

If by 'do' you mean 'say', then yes. As we all know, Twitter is a great way to do absolutely nothing.