My friend got a $10,000 grant from the government for a poem about his testicles.

We tortured our own toys. My sister made a mass grave for her decapitated Barbies. The hairless heads went in a nearby hole. I wanted to freeze my teddy bear, but I realised I had to soak it in water first, then put it in the freezer. My mom saw it hanging from the ceiling one night, dripping on the carpet.

I'm gay (and I speak for all of us, OBVS), so there's a constant critique of every person we see, a discussion of the Things we would like to do to them: who gets which end, etc.

My one black friend said I could in high school, so I think I have permission forever? I'm fairly certain he was the King of Black People.

Weed goes stale? I thought it just gets harsh when it's really old and dry.

'Tara Lazet' already sounds like an awesome, ageless alien name.

Veterans with PTSD don't like it either (I'm not trying to sass you, but this is something I just learned and I thought it was interesting).

DOPPELGINGER? Those are even more evil than their ginger original.

My fellow gingers are rarely allowed on television due to federal law, so I'm okay with occasionally seeing them on the covers of fantasy books.

Patrice O'Neal was a terrible comic. There you go.

I hate having an HM slave, it really makes me feel like a bad person, and it's also just a stupid game mechanic that I wish they would change.

Well I'm obviously okay with a god sexually assaulting me, I assume they're immune to prosecution. Zeus got away with it.

The top image needs two salads photoshopped in to it.

but bring your sunglasses! Your pupils will dilate like crazy and your eyes will water constantly (in my experience).

If by 'do' you mean 'say', then yes. As we all know, Twitter is a great way to do absolutely nothing.

I'm not signing your cast if you sprain your brain.

I think after you wear it for a while that hideous seam will turn in to something more pleasant looking, like scar tissue.

So does she; it looks like a fresh suture.

As long as the fake vanilla you're using isn't actually motor oil it should be as strong as regular vanilla. Also, there was a study that showed most people prefer vanillin to real vanilla, and it's cheaper, but do whatevs you feel like.

"Are you more real than my Real Doll? We'll found out after these ten easy questions!"