I wish it were fatal.

Mmm....I can taste the quality developing on my tastebuds.

You let teens in the kitchen and that’s how you get ants.

Man, Uber will go to any lengths to get around labor law, won’t they?

*thinks* There must be a dearth of things to do in Arizona.

Are you offended that they’re offended? Because I’m offended that you’re offended that they’re offended.

Shit on a shingle = shit on toast (that’s literally what it tastes like).

Hyperglycemia on a plate.

Yeah, this seems like a way for the government to eat all the risk so the private lenders can move in and take over all student loans.

Ethics in Hollywood? The fuck outta here.

Fried relish balls. 

FAKE NEWS

Someday, the only job robots haven’t taken from humans will be making The Sandwich.

A biggun.

Dude is going bald. Those aren’t bangs, that’s a combforward.

They forgot their tiki torches.

The best part is that Trump encouraged them to do this. Obstruction as an article of impeachment just wrote itself.

Hippie speedballs are great, but this coffee sucks so WHY

Yeah, this just became personal, you know. That raccoon, or as I like to call them loudly: “shit-ass motherfuckers”, will be returning to settle scores. The key is to anticipate this return (you are presumably the smarter one, right? If not, please put your cat on the phone), and prepare an ambush.

Right to say and do stupid shit without consequences. That’s like two right there.