Fake news. FAKE NEWS.

Nah, give her a good awards show to host.

This one’s not as much of a slam dunk as the Kobe Bryant allegations of an unconsenting behind-the-back pass.

A part of Mexico. My abuelita would roll in her grave if you implied she was not with the angelitos in heaven and was in some land of the dead instead.

It’s Guillermo del Gordo, dipshit.

Yeah Best Screenplay is a very nice bronze medal. Del Gordo definitely deserved to win both of his Oscars. The man is a fantastic craftsman.

So I can eat on the subway again?

Facebook will force compulsory viewing of 1 episode of You Kiddin’ Me, Motherfucker? every time you log into your Facebook. You will be automatically logged out every 15 minutes. Of course, you can pay a premium monthly, yearly, or decennial fee and increase that log out refresh to every 30 minutes.

Still too low. The average age of mass shooters is 35. Raise the minimum age to 35 with a thirty-year waiting period.

It’s the gun that’s being discriminated against. If someone wants to fuck a gun in public, why must they wait until they are 21 to do it? Is it because one partner is a gun? That’s semi-automatic discrimination right there.

It’s because, like Facebook, it’s not cool anymore now that every grandpa is doing it.

Many a career has been ruined by going full Sacramento; you never go full Sacramento.

Why not clone your dog the old fashioned way (with aggressive inbreeding)? You might even end up with a cooler dog that has two heads instead of just the one.

If a rich celebrity wants to get duped into cloning her dogs at 1000x the price of obtaining a similar, but not identical, dog because they are too stupid to understand genetics, who are we to judge her?

Previously, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that detained immigrants receive periodic, individualized bond hearings to assess threat and flight risk after detention exceeds six months. However, the Obama administration fought the ruling, arguing that Congress controls immigration laws and thus the government…

Nah, Obama owns this one.

Wow, Christians are really the worst Christians, tbh. I, however, paid attention in religion class and so I know that Jesus could transubstantiate into anything, or anyone, He wanted. That was like His superpower.

This is apizza:

If they’ve been trained to respond to school shooting, they’re supposed to confront an active shooter to minimize deaths. Those are usually tactical police, though. I don’t think this guy was trained to handle a person with an assault rifle.