It didn’t feel like 30 days. And I’m glad it didn’t. Glad you’re back; it’s just not Kotaku without the Beard.

I have an idea for a porno spoof of this game. Any guesses what I’d call it?

*replaced snakes with arms*

Pfffffffff. “Diet” Mountain Dew? Whataya, some kind of health-conscious Appalachian kid?

It’s like she doesn’t know holy water is just tap water a priest waves his pedophiling hand over.

She’s getting her own spin-off show, I heard. It’s called- get this-

Hail Mary, full of grace

“That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great…

Konichiwa, bitches.

I was probably enamored with it as a kid. I think I was Scorpion that Halloween. But, man, those special effects did NOT age well. That reptile thing looked like something from a Gex: Enter the Gecko FMV. Barf!

I have a moth phobia. My dad used to hang laundry on the line in the summer, sometimes over night. Then, when I’d go to put my underwear on after my shower, a big nasty moth would fly out. Ugh...

I just rewatched Mortal Kombat last night. Wow. What. A. BAD. Movie.

Wow! Such attention to detail! Look how it’s as useless as the real thing!

I’m not proud of this, but... for a second...

Kojima-san,

This is making me feel things in my special area.

NO! She DIDN’T! She did NOT DO THAT! DID SHE?! My most sacred game, made a mockery by, this, this... &%$#@?! HOW DARE SHE?!

Domo arigato, Mr. Bipedal Nuclear Walking Death Mobile-oboto.

Glitch makes GTA V look like “EW!”