I think the real problem is that we dilute our patriotic symbols too much. Kids still say the pledge of allegiance every fucking morning, on autopilot, and no one thinks twice about what any of it actually means. We parade out the national anthem for everything from the Super Bowl down to elementary school basketball…

There is never a wrong day to show up baked at work.

It isn’t confusing to the players. It is clear to the players that they need to stay behind the last defender to the goal while on the opponent’s side of the pitch. Everyone who plays above the age of 8 knows this if they play an organized game.

That reminds me of my dad and how he’d drive his IROC-Z onto the court where I was playing youth basketball and skid that thing real close to me while I was trying to shoot a free throw. If I missed, he’d flick a cigarette at me, peel out, and I wouldn’t see him for months. If I made the shot he’d nod at me…

Official statement by Ryan Lochte:

That might not have been “spit" ...

I’m thinking there’s an alternate universe, where a red state version of Deadspin publishes articles with mostly the same content but different titles, like this one would be:

Wait, you guys edit stories?

“I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer, and he doesn’t even know it. And he’s always on time!” - Mitch Hedberg

You did not note in this story that S/HE ALSO SHOT THE DOG!

This series is a boring sequel to 500 days of Kristin.

“I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘What?’ And then I turn my head slightly.” - Mitch Hedberg

This celebration has way too much Florida in it.

You’re really gonna do this all season? Really?

I totally underestimated Dana White. I thought his jeans would be bedazzled.

Great, now you have three beings with Taco Bell induced shits in your car...

You’re really gonna do this all season? Really?

She also doesn't like people playing on her phone.

You've obviously never worked as a "dipshit administrator" in higher ed, dealing with entitled students will poor planning skills.