Brigadoon, featuring Robin Thicke as the man who vanishes into the mist forever? Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with One Direction and Miley Cyrus? Mame, featuring Joan Rivers? into The Woods, with... Oh. Crap.

I didn't know they gave Emmys for "Snarkiest Social Media Response." For real, one of my finest FB hours took place during that CrapCast.

Oh no! Why didn't they tell me sooner? Now I only have eight months left in which to have value as defined by my relative fuckability!

Well, sure. You think they let just anybody manage these eggs? rolling all over the place, balancing at the solstice, being in the wrong packaging... It takes a firm hand and some degree of Importance, I tell you!

When I'm not selling monogrammed coffee thermoses, I moonlight as the manager of the egg department. You might even say I am the egg manager, coo coo ca choo?

Lazy adjoined attacks work better when spelled correctly, Hubert. "Hausfrau." Also, sick burn, bropants.

This. My mother's brother died at age 10 in the early 1950s of a brain tumor and the medical and funerary expenses almost bankrupted the family. It obviously left a huge impression on mom, who had small policies for each of her kid - not to put too fine a point on it, it was enough to bury us. She was an…

Hey, you with the sign on the far right: that's neither a choice nor a child, it's an argument for better art education.

This phrase is going to save me so much time on my dissertation!

That's patently absurd. We have a very strict vetting process. He's feeling victimized because we won't let him near these lettered bad boys.

Yo, I heard you like penises so I got you more penis so you can... Oh, never mind.

Well, I can tell you one thing: it's going to be important all up in here.

Y'all hatin cuz u jealous.