Mmmmm, the soft, smooth, angle-less faces of the progeny of the rich.

“Ponder this...what great marriages have is sexual variety! Period! It’s not the equal burden-sharing at home trend, it’s not the fidelity trend. Find someone that is going to let me have unprotected, random sex! Period! #monogamysucks!”

“My fiancée has informed me that sheez letting me go. #thankstwitter!”

“I myself have been to approximately a dozen away games and have never experienced anything like we did Sunday night.”

The Immaculate Asphyxiation

“The man in the Chargers blazer, who said his wife is pregnant.”

I certainly don’t think there’s any excuse for choking a pregnant woman. But someone had to step in and stop Mrs. Rivers already.

I believe “Stand Your Ground” laws would be applicable here.

Counterpoint - The Sun is going to eventually expand and consume the Earth*, killing everyone, which I believe is a little something called “murder,” so we are well within our rights to pre-emptively strike back at this deadly foe via any means necessary.

Wow - so JR isn’t the first Smith in Ohio who failed to make it to Utah:

Turns out she got their blood pumping and testosterone flowing, resulting in increased performance!

“receiving core”

He also has a really hot Canadian girlfriend. But you can’t see her picture, because they don’t have cameras in Toronto.

You will roo the day you made that pun.

I hop this doesn’t happen again.

Eh, Machado about nothing, if you ask me. 

...and have made lifelong friendships

I bet it feels weird to stroke a donger that quickly left-handed.

Dude is fast. He should try track.

Including that quote in this roundup is deliberately misleading and undermines the reporting on the whole. Bad move, Jez. Link to the article there (that Jez included) and you’ll see what he actually was saying:

And what about Rob Lowe, who said the ensuing scandal from an incident in which he recorded sex with what turned out to be a 16-year-old girl “the best thing that ever happened to me”?