Like most of my family stories, this one is fucked up. My father died pretty young, after spending about half my life avoiding me because I look and sound too much like my mother, his ex-wife but spent time with my brother. His brothers, my uncles, don’t know me because my hag grandmother declared my brother and I…

Onions, maybe. Opinions only if her husband, father or oldest male family member has entrusted her with one, but there’s no way of knowing if it didn’t get polluted by all those onions and whatever else is going on in that mystery space.

No one really knows what's inside there. Candy? Snakes? Another dimension? Whatever it is, it's unknown and could be dangerous, so War On.

This isn’t a convenient time for me to go broke, risk my health or possibly die. Plus they were all booked at the mani-pedi place I like, so I'm having an abortion spa day.

Wait. What if my IUD is really an IED?

Parks and Rec, you awkward turtle you.

I’m guessing hoomskulz explains the spelling, grammar and still buying into his sins killed Jesus, but at least he’s not entirely skullfucked by it. He’s not quite up to wanting his nieces and nephews away from an admitted child milestone yet though; just away from an adulterer.

I didn’t not proposition you ...

Send Scotch. And cat toys.

True story: my actual boob-fan husband got his job at an Extremely Famous Computer Company in part based on a program he wrote that downloaded porn images and arranged then into thumbnails (back when computers where steam operated and porn was in .binaries).

Fuck no, we don’t have kids.

I LOL’d, which I rarely do. Then I noticed your username and began giggling like a moron.

How can you have forgotten our five cats?

There are so, so many but this one really stands out: back in the Dark Ages when Sky Lab made its descent to Earth, my mother was sure that not only would it crash land in our city, but it would make its fiery adieu either on our house or the elementary school my brother and I attended. So she kept us from school,…

... and now I know my husband’s Kinja username.

I wish SPY Magazine were still around to hate him the way they hated Jay McInernery. Franzen is so much more mockable; it’s almost too easy.

It looks to me like she was tailgating, and was unable to stop safely, and that's how she ended up rear ending the cars in front of her hard enough to injure six and kill one. She was driving a large, heavy vehicle and towing another and following too closely; I see idiots like this all the time who do not allow…

Unfortunately, the results will communicate “Get an epipen right fucking now.” Me and mangos no tango.

Oh, religion! What can’t you do?