I once broke Kinja by admitting that I hate pizza but if I have to eat it, that crust better be like a cracker.

... was your use of “impact” ironic or illustrative ...?

“Funner” has been a thing in my family of tight-assed word pedants ever since my stoned brother malapropped it out one night.

My advice - worth every penny you’ve paid for it! - is to offer a compromise: no funny invitations in exchange for not being “given away.” You own you. If you find the symbolism of the hand-off as offensive as I do, you do not need to back down on this because it’s your wedding.

I did have a Dude of Honor - my brother, whose sole job was to show up, wearing pants, and stand with me during the ceremony (I forgot to list that I wasn’t walked down the aisle or “given away,” barf). My husband has his life-long best friend stand with him.

I have one of those advanced GlucoPastoroMeters. The test strips are really expensive, but not getting stabbed to death is one of my health goals.

Actually, the literal translation of that commandment is You shall not murder. Killing is cool. He was just putting her down, like a sick animal.

File under: Stupid person does stupid shit.

As long as you don’t see signs of her becoming a pastor, you’re probably safe. Probably.

Reading the linked stories, he didn't want to be out to his Baptist congregation- which makes no sense, either, if he was going to run off and marry one of his boyfriends (he had two: one in the U.S. and one in Europe).

You’re safe, then. If you become diabetic, though, look for signs of Secret Straightness and unexplained stabbing pains.

Being an asshole kills. He could have killed his boyfriend to avoid the sin of gayness, which I'm sure is worse than divorce.

Divorce is a sin. Wives are just women.

Who knew that not controlling your blood sugar could lead to being stabbed by your secretly gay pastor husband? Checking my level ... right ... now.

I often have Brussels sprouts (“fart balls”) for lunch. Not because I’m trying to be healthy or any bullshit like that, but because I love them. Sometimes I make a sauce with chicken broth, butter, the juice from steaming the sprouts, a little cream and potato starch and stir the little green nuggets in; when I make…

Things I didn’t do at my wedding:

Live Through This and Nevermind are both pretty goddamn good albums. Which one I like better depends on my mood, but I think I’m in the “equally good” camp.

This is a weird Mothers’ Day for me. My own toxic mother died nearly a year ago, May 21 2014. She was the epitome of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and made my life growing up unbearable. Even as an adult, she’d call up to say things like, “I hope you don’t wear toe rings. I saw a fat girl wearing toe rings and she…

I’m diabetic and I try to avoid certain type of carbohydrates, both because they spike my glucose like crazy and they love to live with forever. I keep this to myself though; I don’t want to be One of Those People. I’m also extremely lucky that the people in my life share my love of vegetables. But not mashed…