I asked my mom what a tampon was when I was 8-9 years old. My mother, being a nurse, gave me the entire sex talk in the most clinical way possible. There are worst things than lies you could have heard.

For some weird reason, my father told me that if you cut off your belly button, your butt would fall off. This fucking fascinated me, and I would spent way too much time thinking about what the inner workings of the human body could possibly be to make sure a thing happen.

Upset Nome court:

“Ambulatory merkin” is my favorite so far.

But remember, Ted Cruz, who we know for a fact totally was not born in the US of A is still totally qualified to be president.

Every time my husband says “this is why Trump is going to win” I cry and tell him to shut up it can’t be possible. Can it?

Those eyes though. I think she has the ability to turn all the liars into stone.

I asked my coworker, Tim Brady, what he thought about Trump and his plans for Muslims, and he told me to get the fuck out of his cubicle. Also I’m not a reporter. Can I still have $100?

Better:

But you could loan money to the person who invented it at a reasonable rate. Amirite, bubbi?

“It will show perfection” - I bet he talks about his poop this way

I remember those runs. She’s the reincarnation of Bo Jackson from Tecmo Bowl.

Say what you will about Tebow, the dude has some willpower.

This story only starts out like a horror story. It was horrible for me at the time. My boyfriend and I were celebrating our first Thanksgiving together. It was also just a couple years since my Mom died, a loss which had blasted a huge hole in our family. We scattered after that and had Thanksgivings either alone or…

You see, young Elvis was a tricky little brat. In Kindergarten, I was riding home with my dad, brother and brother’s classmate. My brother’s classmate was going to be doing a Thanksgiving play, and I decided that I wanted to be in one too! The catch was, it was Tuesday evening, and tomorrow was the day of said play I…

It’s going to be Rubio. Calling it now.

How is it that nobody is paying attention to the election? Does a huge swath of America live in isolation chambers? If it’s the case that nobody’s listening, then why the fuck does the cycle need to be so fucking drawn out? Limit the time for campaigns to six months and save a lot of money and aggravation.

“I don’t know what you would have done if we hadn’t adopted you- you wouldn’t make a very good prostitute”. (Adopted as a child from a communist country. It was a true statment, but vulgar coming from a parent. Emancipated shortly there after).

Moms everywhere: of course I can push your buttons better than anyone else. I installed the damned buttons.

Dad when I was 15: “You could stand to lose a few...” I was around 135 then...and I’m 5’7”.