Yes

Love it! Signed, “Alan Ganzler”

DOUCHE POTATOES

“VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU SOUP!”

I went to a Chili’s in a pretty bad area with a friend a few weeks back and was waited on by what I’m only assuming was a Jiffy Lube mechanic. Our waiter was the exact stereotype you are thinking of when I say ‘mechanic’, dirty chewed-down nubby fingernails and everything. I was immediately horrified but we didn’t…

Kudos to the Gestapo Soup story - I had to go to the bathroom as I was cracking up so much I was on the verge of tears!

As a Auburn fan living in Alabama (*insert living in AL joke here*), fuck the Tide. My bastard ass Bama loving friends were texting me all day when Auburn got skull fucked so it’s only fitting that they lost too. Yes, the hate is real.

Auburn Dude here, living (gladly) on the West Coast. SO glad I’m not in that bubble of football despair tomorrow. And yes, the Bama loss makes the Auburn loss a bit easier to swallow. As it was, as it is, as it shall be.....

I own 3 stethoscopes, and used all of them during the course of my bedside nursing career. I bought the first one when I was accepted into nursing school, since it was part of the “required uniform” for student nurses. If I showed up to clinicals without it, I would be sent home. When I graduated and accepted a…

Read that as Whoopi Goldberg tits.

Hello Mudda

You eat the lunch your wife packed at like 10 a.m. then still go get your burrito. Or eat the burrito and throw the lunch away and never mention it. But you don’t, under any circumstances, risk fucking that situation up, you moron.

Yeah, wouldn’t it be worse to say “I’ll make sure you never leave this shitty job!”

David Sedaris wrote that in response to being told “I’m going to have you fired” he was always tempted to respond, “I’m going to have you killed.”

I can’t ever imagine saying such a thing. And if in some bizarre situation I actually had the ability and intention to get someone fired...I would just do it. Why bother threatening them with it?

Is that the restaurant equivalent of the “if there’s no price tag it must be free haha” joke?

This weekend I had my four-billionth customer respond to “Can I get you anything else?” with “Yeah, a stack of hundreds, har har har.” I’d just had two miserable shifts in a row, the highlight of which was the homeless drunk who came in and vomited blood all over the floor. I replied “I don’t have any hundreds back…

I don’t understand why someone didn’t just say something.

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.

People like this are behind the only sincere prayer I’ve ever prayed, “Jesus Christ, DO SOMETHING about your goddamned followers!”