Ol’ Karl does not have the type of head that he can just go around criticizing other folks.

From now on, every cheesecake I eat will be referred to as cheese and crackers.

I was about 10 years old and my older brother said I couldn’t wrap my lips around a glass, tilt it and drink the contents without using my hands. Never one to back down from a dare, I did the lip wrap and slung my head back as far as it would go. It was going great until about 10 gallons of cherry Kool-Aid shot out of…

If you bury them deep enough they just smell like dirt and freshly cut grass.

If I was Jay, after he said my name the 10th time his ass would be in the water and the sunfish would’ve been saying ‘Oh my god! What is that fuckin’ thing?!?’

You should’ve said “I’m de toilet? No, YOU de toilet!”

Does it have onions? I can’t eat spicy soup.

I was seventeen and over at my girlfriend’s house shooting fireworks with her family for New Year’s Eve. Had to pee real bad and put it off too long because I didn’t want to miss the explosions, but I finally give up and headed inside to the bathroom. Well, the house was completely dark and as I struggled to find the…

I seen these kind of folks. Truth is that the souvlaki is not really the thing that needs the stick removed.

I’ve always hated the “I’ll get you fired” response. I told a woman once that if a person like her could get me fired, then the job wasn’t worth keeping.

I’m pretty sure that in some cultures if I inhale her Eleganza, it means we’re married.

Proper response to this is, “No I don’t. Do you know who I am? I’m the guy that’s going to be handling your food. Would you like me to handle it happily or angrily?”

This only works in long form. For an obnoxious regular, you give them decaf for a week and then switch them back to full octane for a couple of days. Repeat as needed.

Me too. I think I wear pants less now than when I was three.

Je suis bear!

And we gotta charge you a couple of bucks for the two squirts of organic house made ketchup.

We were doing a complete kitchen makeover and the contractor said the delays were because of the cabinet maker. I call the cabinet guy and he says he’s not making any cabinets for me because the contractor has not made the down payment to start the work. I’m a little surprised since I had paid the contractor $4200 up…

We don’t wear a lot of black because it’s friggin’ hot down here.

Pancakes? Is this IHOP?

15. What were you thinking?