I’ll give you my helmet when you pry it from my grotesquely swollen head!

Helmets don’t kill people. People kill people.

Seems plausible. I mean, OJ was just trying to stab his helmet when those people got in the way. It got blown out of proportion and basically ruined his life. As a result, years later when was innocently trying to commit armed robbery on his helmet, and some jerks just happened to be in his path, poor OJ ended up…

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! The Cowboys only take players that hit women and only after they’re drafted by Carolina. If anything he’ll be barred from being drafted but will sign as an undrafted free agent with someone like, oh I don’t know, the Titans.