You deserve a galaxy of stars for this.

I thought I'd miss Facebook, but I like my family better now that I'm off it.

You said it, Mo.

That's hilarious.

It's a hard one. I personally wouldn't know that was an offensive remark if I hadn't watched so much BET Comic View back in the late nineties. Then again, who knows? Perhaps the knowledge would have found me some other way.

The world is turning into a cesspool of imbeciles.

I think weddings are fine, but expensive weddings are a really stupid way to begin a marriage. Instead of having a giant party, why not use that money as a downpayment on a house?

Taittingers blanc de blanc all the way! Get yourself a whole jeroboam!

Both my wife and my sister took bc pills to help regulate their mood, and it did them a world of good.

Your won’t get sued for slander! Name some names!

I worked with an Ethiopian immigrant who told me about his experiences working at McDonald’s as one of his many “survival jobs” while he put himself through school in the early aughts.

Hilarious. Excellent riposte, on your part. Absolutely withering to hear that from your own daughter, I’d imagine. If I was a dad, though, I really couldn’t imagine discussing my daughter’s tits with anyone; least of all HER.

I'm flabbergasted. I figured her for an old housewife who had it drummed into her that the only thing a woman needs to worry about is being gorgeous.

Oh, if you like that, then you’ll love this. I have an archive of my best ones in my profile, just a few clicks away.

Holy moly. I’m guessing she never saw much point to “all that thar book-larnin’” in her own life as well. I hope it didn't mar your day too much.

Great answer! I gotta know what he said when you nailed him with that...

Wow. He doesn't set the bar high, does he?

Ps he also described my sister as the pretty one and me as the smart one.

A eagle’s talons can exert a grip of 400 pounds per square inch. People would be wise not to screw with them.

Yeah, my dad has a vacuum that is over 33 years old and still absolutely fine. It's a canniser vac. The only think he ever needed to do was get a new hose for it.