I got really stoned and created a super burrito at work. It was majestic. I didn’t get fired because it was the manager who brought the weed.

Dude...

His favorite snack was baby carrots. He lived a long, healthy 17 years.

He provided direct and published evidence of his code violation. Do the same with your local law enforcement and they will happily ticket you.

My retired neighbors who think the internet is a fad and refuse to accept that television already died. They just watch whatever dreck is broadcast on ABC/NBC/CBS/FOX.

If I have to look up your stars, are they?

Am I way off here?

Laws are incantations and they are the wizards that mastered this “skill.”

My dog scratched his ass on the rug in a very similar manner. Vet sorted it out.

No, too easy.

More and more every year.

Word salad gets clicks too.

It is overwhelmingly clear that he carried a gun through a TSA checkpoint. He even admitted to it.

Because there is no such thing as a responsible gun owner.

A hay bale wearing a hi-vis vest.

Because there are a lot of crazy people out there and he wanted to protect himself.

I watched Tiptoes on cable one night having no idea what it was. I started to wonder if there was a gas leak in the house or I was having a fever dream.

The Dairy Board will be by later to give you the full Nancy Kerrigan.

Wrong Falcon.

Sam Barsanti is the Officer Rod Farva of snark.