Should forever now be “sideways hanging meatballs”

Everyone knows that Maya's mysterious uncle is going to be Mephisto. You can't spell "Hi me stop" without Mephisto.

On the other hand, given the queasy revelation at the end of Solo, toy boxes for the Millennium Falcon are now labeled “Han Solo’s Slave.”

Holy supercalifragilistic Batman, that’s a mouthful!

Good first impression: hold out the back of your hand for them to sniff, then when they are comfortable that you are not threatening, scratch them behind the ears and under the chin. From there you can move on to petting and, it goes without saying, heavy petting.

Bad first impression: That one you do of The Mask.…

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that fucks your first cousin! All of your first cousins!

I would like to clarify that my relationship with Little Debbie is exactly what you assume it to be.

So you’re saying you want me to transplant their feathers onto penguins and vice-versa? Great idea!

That director was symbolic of Covid-19 and the film was representative of the free time it’s given you. The dream is telling you to use that time to learn a skill, like singing.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The semi-literate free-porn-poster who is polluting the entire planet’s (and other, alien planets’) comprehension of cumblebragging and sukking dik!

Dear Nobody,

Dear Savage Nobody,

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that has dropped the magnum condom he bought for his definitely-not-monster dong!

Thanks for the well wishes. It’s always nice to read the words of a true supporter!

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that will be handing Donald Trump his eviction notice and doing White House keggers with Diamond Joe in two months!

That would be ‘Untamed Heart’, also starring Marisa Tomei and Rosie Perez. Was definitely obsessed with that movie as a tween. 

Well, since these people clearly have nothing to do with yourself, I recommend you help Mrs. Y cheat on her husband (who sounds like a complete loser) with her bowling instructor.

Hell yeah you are! Don’t worry, Savage Nobody can help you return to a state of sexual normalcy. Here is a clown wig for you and an octopus for your wife. Good thing Savage Nobody bought extra when he got those things for a commenter last week. I also recommend you do it in a completely normal location, like the zoo…

That would be weird... :)