Cargarita. (Punches self in face)

Front loading washer.

Glad I’m not the only one who noticed his choice of U.S. Woodland camouflage pattern in an urban environment.

Brawling in an elevator actually counts as a doctoral thesis at ASU.

“Feed”

Not sure if that came to Vegas.

Hit the tow truck? WHY?

I don’t necessarily agree, but I must give you a star for being able to create an entire paragraph from only one sentence.

Right? The Earth should have been a disc.

Billy Haisley burner spotted.

That’ll teach me to modify nouns.

The helpful and informed man at the bar the other day advised me that, in fact, all soccer players are gay.

None of them do.

• Big SUV
  

The manyfold will still have cracking issues.

Yeah, reread it after my 2nd cup of coffee. I had a big “whoosh” on that one.

a return to domestic quality levels of the ‘70s and ‘80s.

If parking across two spots in a parking lot is a taser-able offense, then there are a whole lot of Mercedes Benz owners out in Los Angeles that are long overdue for a thorough tasing.

“Horton, Here’s a Poo!”

Tirico’s in-flight movie joke was hilarious.